Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Key to Athletic Success is Sandbagging

This was e-mailed to me by my friend Carrie. ha! ha! We all know women like this, and then it makes us (or at least me) mad when they kick my butt!

Sand what?

Sandbagging is the art of sabotaging your opponent or training partner (and, really, is there a difference?) with mind games. You downplay your fitness. You plant seeds of doubt with an innocent remark about her aging sports equipment or his unusually pale complexion. You drastically underestimate the distance, terrain, or pace of the day's workout. You use every dirty trick in the book to win, just like in real life!

How can you become a champion sandbagger-or just learn to recognize one?
Simply study our handy Sandbagger's Translation Guide. Soon you too will be crushing your ex-friends' egos.

Sandbagger Translation Guide

Sandbagger says: "Take it easy on me, OK? I'm really out of shape."
Really means: "I've been working out 25 hours a week for the past 3 months with my personal trainer, Sven, the Olympic decathlete. You are toast."

Sandbagger says: "Whoa! When did you get so buff? Looks like I'm in trouble today."
Really means: "How ya doin', french-fry boy? Wait till I remove these baggy sweats and reveal my 3 percent body fat."

Sandbagger says: "You'll love this route. It's pretty flat."
Really means: "There's 21,000 feet of elevation gain. Good thing I've been sleeping in my portable altitude-simulation tent. I've got more red blood cells than Dracula at a hemophiliac slumber party."

Sandbagger says: "I think it's great that you still use that classic (insert name of running shoe, bike, ski, ice axe, etc.). I don't care what those morons at the Consumer Product Safety Commission say-the old gear still rules!"
Really means: "My brand-new, carbon-fiber, Micro-Cushion, Anti-Swerve gizmo costs 10 times more than your year-old version, but they both perform about the same-except that now you're too busy imagining your hospital bill to keep up with me."

Sandbagger says: "Hope I don't slow you down too much today. I think I'm getting a cold."
Really means: "Every day I ingest $100 worth of vitamins, seaweed extract, and powdered rhinoceros horn. I eat only organic foods grown by aging hippies in Oregon. I go to bed at 8 p.m. and get up at 6 a.m. There are more germs on Martha Stewart's toothbrush than in my entire body. You're the one who's gonna be sick."

Sandbagger says: "You'll like working out with our bunch. We just like to have fun."
Really means: "We make Game 7 of the World Series look like a quilting bee."

Sandbagger says: "'Fraid I'm not going be much competition for you. My trick knee's acting up again."
Really means: "I make weekly visits to my massage therapist, my acupuncturist, my chiropractor, my yoga instructor, and my Rolfer. My worst injury this decade was a hangnail. I'm the injurer; you, pal, are the injuree."

No comments: